Saturday, February 19, 2011

Traumatized via grocery store

What an odd title you might think. A grocery store, traumatizing? I must be mistaken you may be asking yourself.. no no my friend its true. Grocery stores have both embarrassed me and traumatized me, my last incident may have even left me with a bruise that hit more than my ego.

There was a time when i was about 6 years old and i recall my mom handing me one of those monstrously sized glass jugs of spaghetti sauce; the ones a practical mother of 4 purchases thinking she'll use up quickly but never does... While i was standing there thinking wow i am such big girl, holding a thing of spaghetti sauce that matched me in width something happened. Perhaps it was an itch i had to scratch, or my constant clamy hands that finally got the better of me, or the cute store clerk that winked at me, but the precious pressed tomatoes slipped from my hands and before i could even register what had happened a thunderous shattering echoed down the aisles of frozen food and canned vegetables. Spaghetti sauce sloshed on the tiled floor like a bad case from special victims unit. Shards of glass stuck through the sauce in a slightly grotesque and unnatural way. Of course all of the stares from the general public also felt very unnatural especially for a shy middle child who rarely got any stares at all. Naturally i refused to accompany my mother to the grocery store for a solid year after that incident.

There have been way too many incidents where i have either grabbed a stump of a leg thinking it was my mother or hopping on an unsuspecting citizens push cart thinking it was in fact my own.. Every time i looked up into the face of a garish woman a small electrical shock seemed to emanate through my body and leave a pink stain on my cheeks.

One time i stole a Kit-Kat. It was in fact an honest mistake, and a simple slip up or should i say slip in-to my pocket. To say the least I didn't eat another kit kat for a solid 8 years after that from my nearly mortal shame.

Valentines 2011. I had been having a fine valentines day. You know the usual, wollowing in my loneliness while i have to watch hundreds of thousands of couples snog(British term for kissing) and then trying to convince myself that in fact being single is in fact always better. Anyway my dear friend Natalie whom also happened to be single decided that we should treat ourselves to chocolate. I readily concurred with this idea. No Valentines day is complete without a single girl getting inebriated( intoxicated: i told you i liked words) by chocolate. We sped down to Smiths and walked directly to the candy aisle. It was one of those times where you were almost in awe of the beautiful of the colors and array of flavors the aisle had to offer you. We walked up and down the aisle multiple times figuring out just what was the perfect thing to binge on. I finally set my sights on the towering case of chocolate covered raisins. I raised my hand and ever so slightly caressed the case while i began to salivate like a Pavlovian dog. And just as my index finger glided across the plastic casing something came a jar. In fact the whole 3ft container came ajar, I saw the whole situation in slow motion. I was rained upon by raisins and got a good thump on the noggin from the container. Of course this caused quite the uproar with the staff. Within 12 seconds i found 1 manager and 2 low paid employees circling me. They swept the precious dried fruits into a dustbin while i just stood there unsure as to what was more red, my face or the blistering red hearts that seemed to be oozing out of the aisles. Well to say the least i grabbed 1/2lb of chocolate covered cinnamon bears as an alternate, and found myself a little peeved that they didn't at least offer me some of those fresh value reward points. Sure i probably cost them 7$ worth of damage but shouldn't a girl be compensated for extra ego humiliation on valentines day? Isn't it enough that i am eternally single?

Well i got my revenge, today i stole one organic chocolate covered raisin from the bin, i guess my pilfering skills from the kit kat days hasn't left me.


blakesparks said...

Valentines day is a scam and to Hell with Smiths. They tried to put my grandma in Jail for steeling a pencil!

Perla said...

i'm glad that you don't remember the time when you were only two and tess was four or whatever and we were going to albs for a treat since you let me do your hair and as we pulled into the parking lot, suddenly a huge suburban crashed in front of us and we were surrounded by cops who jumped out with their guns pointed at the suburban and screaming for him to put his hands up and get out of the vehicle. i calmly told you and tess..."hey, why don't you two crouch down on the floor." you both just looked at me and did as you were told. i then heard a loud gunshot as i slowly put the chevette in reverse and tried to get out of there. the man in the suburban had just blown his own head off with a shotgun. i smiled shakily down at you two. "aren't we getting a treat?" tess asked? not sure what to do, i just drove around the back of albs, parked on the other side, we went in and you two picked out candy bars while ambulances and more police cars joined the other side of the parking lot. i just kept a smile glued on my face for you two. aren't i good aunt? yes. yes i am because that wasn't one of your grocery store traumas...but is one of mine.